Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins
Too chickenshit to reject its Hasbro overlords and embrace the title Crazy Rich Ninjas, Robert Schwentke’s Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins instead doubles down on the numbskull qualities that have plagued prior G.I. Joe movies, resulting in the series’ worst chapter yet.
Helmed by the director behind such sad action flicks as Red, R.I.P.D., and the second and third installments in Shailene Woodley’s aborted Divergent saga, the depressing end product comes as little surprise, but the rampant laziness on display is nevertheless shocking — or it might be if the whole product wasn’t so aggressively dull.
Alternate title jokes aside, the presence of Henry Golding as the eponymous, revenge-seeking loner and his character’s adoption by the insanely wealthy Clan Arashikage after saving the life of dynasty heir Tommy (Andrew Koji, Peaky Blinders) lends itself to such cheekiness, especially since the surrounding events are so uninspiring.
Despite some creative sights — never have I ever seen a truck cab filled with long-bladed swords, akin to an illusionist’s trick on steroids — and a few impressive moments in an elaborate fight sequence atop a car transport truck, the special effects are so glaringly bad that it neuters the thrills. (The less said about the film’s comically giant reptiles, the better.)
The commitment to cheapness likewise extends to much of the filmmaking, particularly an excessive amount of shaky handheld camerawork that’s glaringly out of place in an $88 million production.
The visual laziness suggests that Schwentke and his collaborators don’t care about what they put on screen, yet their poor use of the talented Iko Uwais (The Raid films) and Samara Weaving (Bill & Ted Face the Music) is arguably more egregious.
Spouting would-be cool lines that feel scripted by middle schoolers, their dialogue and the rote plot that the rest of the characters are wrung through aren’t worth the time and money it took to bring them onscreen, and don’t warrant your investment, either.
Grade: D-plus. Rated PG-13. Now playing at AMC River Hills 10, Biltmore Grande, and Carolina Cinemark
(Photo: Niko Tavernise)
